Wednesday, October 17, 2012


Most people who know me in real life or even in bloggy life,
know that in between the two happy and healthy births of my children,
I suffered two tragic miscarriages.
Our first loss was at 12 weeks with no signs.
We found out at our 12 week sonogram that
our baby had passed.
Our 2nd loss was at 17 weeks...
We lost a daughter and again there were no signs or warnings.
As a matter of fact we had several check ups where we saw her
and heard her heart beat and every thing looked very healthy.
After I delivered her, we discovered that she had Turner Syndrome.
Both of our losses (and later the birth of our Adelyn) happened in October.
October happens to be Infant Loss Awareness Month.
Even before I knew this, I always make sure to write a blog post
 in honor of my lost babies,
to encourage other mommies,
and as a bit of therapy for myself.
After both losses, but especially after the loss of our daughter,
I never felt so alone in my life!
Even surrounded by my closest family and friends,
I felt like I was the only one who was forced to endure such a tragic loss.
For me, I wanted desperately to find a girl who had made it though a 17 weeks miscarriage.
At this time I only knew of two far away friends who had experience one early miscarriage.
Although all the statistics and articale I read, made it sound common...
I honestly felt like the only one in the world who had experienced this.
  I bought every book, read every blog, and began to educate my self,
not on miscarriage necessarily, but of survival, healing, and strength. 
I desperately needed to know I was going to be ok.
Eventually, as I sat on my bed looking at the stack of cards,
books, and pamphlets, I realized
 "I will never be the same girl I was"
Wow, not only did I need to grieve for the loss of my babies
 but for the loss of my former self.
Since then, I have had the privilege of meeting several mommies who have survived miscarriages and even still births.  I have been able to support and encourage very close friends through had times, ensuring they never felt alone. I make it a point to talk about miscarriage, so they know I have not forgotten about their loss.
For me, I like to remember my angle babies, think about my experience, and even cry.
Loosing an unborn baby is sad... it is ok to cry... even four years later.
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